Closing my eyes…

When I got home after the big trauma of dislocating my fake hip, and then needing emergency surgery the next day, I was really struggling. During the first night, I couldn’t sleep, I got less than an hour that might. Partially because I noticed that Arwen was not feeling her happy self, which made me very anxious. But also because that little bit of sleep I did get, at the beginning of the night, I had the worst nightmare. I was so scared that during my sleep, I would do “something wrong”, and that my hip would “just” easily dislocate again. So I was very worried concerning Arwen’s health, and I was scared of the pain coming back if I would sleep and do something wrong, and when I did sleep, I had the worst nightmare where, of course, it did go wrong…

The second night, I tried to sleep again. And I managed a wee bit longer. But then I started to realize that this was probably going to be Arwen’s last night with me… And that just got me hard. I dealt with many emotions, and I hated my situation now, due to the second surgery and all, because all I wanted to do was hug Arwen and be there with her… I tried to give her scratches, I was there with her for most of the night. Even though I was dead tired, I had to stay awake. I saw the sadness and pain in Arwen’s eyes, and I knew I had to be there for her. While I was worried and anxious and crying all the time, I wrote a blog post that went live the next morning (Saturday). While it was scheduled for the next day, unfortunately, aa few hours later, I had to edit it with an update.

[…]

https://cynnisblog.wordpress.com/2025/08/04/closing-my-eyes/

Does anyone have any resources to recommend for dealing with the anticipatory grief of pet loss? My senior dog has aggressive cancer that won't be cured, but we're going to start at-home chemotherapy to hopefully keep the mass from getting bigger and causing discomfort. She is totally asymptomatic so far, acting totally normal and high energy. I'm trying to stay in the moment with her and just enjoy every second right now, but I need to be preparing myself, too. I think I am just going to fall apart when she starts to decline. I'm so scared to put her through the treatment. I don't know what to expect. She's been my little best friend for over a dozen years, and I don't know how to have a life without her. I don't have many friends or family to lean on. She is my family. If there are things that have helped you through a painful pet loss, I'd appreciate any tips.

I need to remember that moving through grief is a long process.

How do you get your joy back?

I reread my old Tumblr and I was SO different before my dad's cancer diagnosis.

I feel like grief has stolen that woman from me: joyous, fearless, daring, gulping all of life down.

Leaving in her place, a more tired woman. Preserving that last spoon.

The only thing is to go through it. Stay present. Look *here* not behind.

I feel like I broke up with myself.

Grieving Gaza boy cries for his father killed near aid site http://newsfeed.facilit8.network/TMC7NT #Gaza #AhmadZayed #Grief #WarInGaza #HumanRights

Drowning of 3 Somali teens in Finland sparks grief, safety calls https://www.byteseu.com/1241092/ #3 #calls #drowning #DrowningOf3SomaliTeensInFinlandSparksGrief #Finland #Grief #hiiraan #HiiraanOnline #in #of #online #safety #SafetyCalls #Somali #SomaliNews #somalia #SomaliaNews #sparks #Teens

Trauma, Grief, Depression, Self pity…

Those that have been following this blog, and/or my toots on Mastodon, will know all about the first three bits of the title of this post. These are things I’ve written about in the last 4 weeks. OK, I’ve written about them before that as well, but this post focuses on the events of the last four weeks.

I added a fourth topic to the title, “self pity”. Because that’s something I’m struggling with now (as well), and as understandable as it may be, I also hate myself for feeling this way, for having these thoughts that just feel so selfish and arrogant to me. I don’t want to wallow in pity, but I just can’t stop feeling sorry for myself, for all that I had to “go through” / endure/experience during these last four weeks.

[…]

https://cynnisblog.wordpress.com/2025/07/30/trauma-grief-depression-self-pity/

See illmarks at The Fishbowl in Seattle! The art exhibit Note to Self opens Friday August 1, and runs until August 29. The exhibit explores the many ways grief can manifest. Each piece includes some form of text in it, hence the title Note to Self.

Stay tuned for more information, but there might be an illmarks-specific event the evening of July 27 !

If you visit the exhibit, I’d love to hear your thoughts!

https://www.illmarks.com/see-illmarks-in-seattle/

Grateful for Bas 

Dealing with the loss of Arwen hit me hard. Maybe it was harder because I had just suffered a major trauma… But I know it hit me hard because she and I had a very special bond. Everyone that knew us always said that we were so in-sync together. One look from her to me, or from me to her, and we just knew… That’s probably also why I struggle with it some more, because I am feeling guilty because I wasn’t able to detect how much she must have been struggling before I went back to the hospital. When I got out, that’s when she didn’t have the spoons anymore to hide her pain anymore…

The house was empty, only filled with tears and sadness. We all deal with grief in different ways… But one thing I think both mum and I struggled with… That quiet emptiness in the house… So when dad said that Bas was being a tad annoying with him, mum offered to take him for a few days. And that made a big difference, for mum and me, but I guess also for Bas.

[…]

https://cynnisblog.wordpress.com/2025/07/28/grateful-for-bas-%f0%9f%90%be/

Too many struggles

Some days I feel like I have no control whatsoever. Like I am seeing the world go by, and I am always three steps behind it. Taking all the punches, not being able to prevent them, because they’ve already happened before I even realize that they could happen… If that makes any sense .

Like with my blog at the moment. I used to have several posts written in advantage, so I could take it easy with writing them, no stress and all that. But now, if I don’t write this post now then I will lose my way too long posting streak. And, while that would not be a big world event, it would be big to me in many ways, mostly with a negative outcome…

[…]

https://cynnisblog.wordpress.com/2025/07/26/too-many-struggles/

My best friend's father is dying. I got to chat with my friend for about an hour yesterday evening, and he asked me all his questions about death and dying.

It was nice to be able to dip into that knowledge pool again.. but it makes me miss working with people who are dying.